by David E Anderson
‘Twas Christmas Eve in sweet Toodlebop Town
And not one single Zoozle was wearing a frown.
They all loved the Christmas-y holiday weather
And the Twinkletoy Store was as busy as ever.
The owner was Angus Uriah McWhee
As loved by the Zoozles as any can be
For he made great presents that brought them all joy
And Zoozles loved playing with Angus’s toys
When he was a youngster, he wanted no more
Than to have his very own Twinkletoy Store
But now, as an oldster, he couldn’t stop thinking
This life made him bitter and drove him to drinking
He used to love Zoozles who came to his shop
But their Christmas spirit was over the top.
He needed the holiday cheer to start stopping
But the Zoozles, so merry, went on with their shopping
“It’s Christmas!” called Mrs. O’Snazzlezooberry
“May your holidays always be joyous and merry!”
“Shove it up your whizzlewoo,” he said with a sigh
Wishing she’d just crawl off somewhere and die
The Bibblehead Brothers played on Diddlebooms
Zak Riddle flew past on a Zippity-Zoom
Misty Moon slid on a Rollerbang Sled.
McWhee thought of putting a gun to his head.
“I can’t stand this,” he muttered with booze on his breath.
“I wish every Zoozle a horrible death.”
He wanted to burn up the store and the toys
Along with each Zoozle girl and each Zoozle boy.
He knew that he couldn’t stand Christmas much longer
And his desire to torch the place grew ever-stronger.
To light it all up and to burn it all down.|
To spread fear and misery through Toodlebop Town.
He thought, “Today is the day that each Zoozle dies.”
And went to the storeroom to gather supplies
Some thick heavy chain, jugs of gasoline,
And the meanest damn chainsaw that ever was seen
He snuck out the back of the Twinkletoy store
And used the big chains to secure every door
He poured gas on his shop then he set it on fire
He laughed and he laughed as, the flames, they got higher
The Zoozles they screamed, the Zoozles they cried
The Zoozles they burned, and the Zoozles they died.
There were a few Zoozles who fled from the store
But they were the ones that the chainsaw was for.
Their limbs, they went flying all over the place
And for once, ol’ McWhee had a smile on his face
He bathed in their blood and reveled in their terror
And the joy in his eyes couldn’t be any clearer
Then he took his old shotgun through Toodlebop Town
Every Zoozle he met, he cut them right down
Blood filled the streets, and despair ruled the night
“Die, Zoozles, die!” Angus screamed in delight
His shouts and his blasting filled Zoozles with dread
But it didn’t take long till each Zoozle was dead.
So he headed back home with a smile on his face
Knowing he’d ended the whole Zoozle race
But later he woke upon hearing a moan
And saw with a jolt that he wasn’t alone
For all of the Zoozles had risen from death
With Angus McWhee’s name upon every breath.
He reached for the chainsaw and he let ‘er rip
But the Zoozles just took it from out of his grip
They severed each arm and they cut off each leg
And McWhee could do nothing but scream, cry, and beg
The Zoozles were going completely amuck
And he knew in his heart, he was shit out of luck
As much as he wished they would leave him alone
They soon got to gnawing his flesh off the bone
They ripped off his ears and tossed them aside
And then disemboweled him, and that’s when he died
But they didn’t stop there. No, his corpse they defiled
They partied all night, and the party was wild
So all you humbugs who don’t love this season
What happened to Angus should give you good reason
Just suck it up, loser, and start acting merry
If you don’t, you’ll be in for an evening quite scary
For God’s sake, just fake it, however you feel
Slap a smile on your face, even if it’s not real
You don’t care for Christmas? Pretend that you do.
Or what happened to Angus will happen to you.
David E Anderson - Author 